I wish

I wish I didn't lack motivation.
I wish I wasn't so lazy.
I wish I was pretty.
I wish I had confidence.
I wish I had any talents.
I wish I was brave.
I wish I was strong.

I wish I could be someone people could be proud of.
I wish I could be proud of myself.
I wish I meant something.
I wish I didn't have to be alone.
I wish I had social abilities.
I wish I wasn't so afraid all the time.
I wish I deserved the wonderful friends I've got.

I wish I wasn't an introvert.
I wish my family could understand.
I wish my family wasn't broken.

I wish I could believe in myself.
I wish I didn't feel so dead all the time.
I wish I... Far too often than I should, I wish I didn't excist.
I wish I could just disappear so I wouldn't have to be this worried of my future, my life and feel so miserable.

I wish I didn't always feel like crap, like I'm not important. But the truth is, I'm not. I am no one when it comes to the big picture. Never have been, never will be.
I'm tired of wishing I could just... Never be born. I'm tired of wishing I was dead.

I wish positivity was a part of my nature.
I... I wish dreams and wishes could come true. But even if it did, what would it matter?

What good would it do to a dreamless person if their dreams could come true? What would it matter to someone who's empty and drained of everything?

Disappear.

I don't know what to do.
Nothing ever seems the same anymore, I don't know how to behave or how I can change. Somehow, due to my lazy, fucked up mind, I've managed to ruin so much of my life. Waste so much of my time.

Why did I quit school? Why did I agree on moving to England though I wasn't ready? Why can't I get out of my god damn head and just go out there and do something with my life?

Why can't I just go home?

It's really late, it might just be my head being screwed on too loosely, but right now I feel like fucking shit. I'm a mess, I can't think straight. There's so much I want to do, like get a job, earn some money, go to school and learn about things I enjoy doing. But I'm too scared, I can't do it. I can't handle it.

I really, really can't handle it. Not now. Probably not ever. And I know, I really do, that I just have to jump. I just have to do it, there's no other way. Nothing good will happen if I just wait for it, no, I have to work for it and I know that so fucking well, but... I just can't do it.

It's pathetic, it's lame and sad and every other negative description you can gather. I have no motivation. What's the point? Even if I do get a job, even if I go to school and get an education, what good will it do? I'd feel better? No. I probably wouldn't. What I do doesn't matter.

I don't matter. I never have, never will. The truth doesn't hurt as much as it did before. It's not a lie. I really don't matter. Not to the world, not to anyone. So what if I was to disappear? So what if I become an even bigger loser?

No one would care. They'd all get over it.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot. Thinking about very bad things, things I thought I had long since put away. I thought I was done feeling like this, as if I wish I could just disappear from everything and everyone.

The thoughts are still there.
I wish I was gone.
I wish I could somehow just get rid of this feeling and never have to feel it again.
I wish I knew why I felt like this.
I wish I could be stronger so these thoughts would go away.

What's the point. I don't matter. I'm not important to my family - if anything, I'm just in the way. I'm not important to my friends, after all what good am I to them? I'm just here, doing nothing.

I'm not important to the world. To anyone. I'm not significant. I'm nothing special.
So what does it matter what happens to me.

I wish I could just disappear.

ughh.

I just want to go home to Bergen, especially now. Though I don't want it to, it just... feels terribly lonly to see everyone gathered and having a good time while I'm here, alone an miserable.

Moodwings, go away. Please.

Ahh. Why did I come here, why did I move. I wish I could go home again.

Weak.

Sometimes I wish I could just bury myself deep underground with the few things I love and just never come back up. Which annoys me. When did I become this weak, selfish, spoiled, fucked up little asshole? I just... Sometimes I've had enough too. I have limits of how much I can take, how many emotions I can take off of others shoulders.

Who's gonna help take mine?

That's stupid. I don't need anyone's help, I can handle everything myself. It's just emotions, nothing more.
At least that's what I usually think, but...

Today was such a good day too, why did I have to turn out this way. Fucking stupid.

Everything is fucking stupid, I'm fucking stupid and not to mention a god damn mess. I've just had enough, really. Don't think I can take a whole lot more of this.

Am I

really that little reliable? It feels like people are having a tough time all around me, but there's never anything I can do to help. It's so frustrating. And it's even worse when friends are horrible at lying (plus I totally can feel the atmosphere of the conversation) and they act strange, maybe they've shown signs of being depressed for along time, and you ask if they're okay. All you get in reply is "yeah I'm fine haha" or something like that.

Uhm, I now you're not. So why lie? I wouldn't have minded if the person said "no, but I don't want to talk about it" or "let's talk about something else hehe". But lying is really the worst thing I know, no matter the reason for it...

*internally screaming*

Fuck parents.

Can't wait to get out of here, oh my fucking goddamn god!

Uhh

Having one of those moments where I feel really empty and just need a hug.

Ugh I hate these small moments.