And so the mind was drifting away.

Idk with the title. Just felt like writing that.

I'm stuck in the thinking corner once again and my thoughts aren't good. I feel like an attention whore, really. The one thing I don't want to be as well.

I dunno. I just don't feel appreciated no matter what I do. But it doesn't matter, I'm used to the feeling.
It just feels like I always try my hardest to be there for people, but with no use. I don't even get a single "thank you" in return. Is that really too much to ask for?

Oh well.

- Ai

The first post.

Before I start my bawing, I want people who accidentally find this, to know that I made this blog for one purpose only; I need a place to get out my frustration. If I have something which bothers me, or if I feel depressed, I'll use this blog as an outlet of my inner feelings. Or whatever, you get the point.

Anyway, the past few days have been tough on the emotional front. Though I seem happy and all, I have been engulfed in deep thoughts. As usual, I can't get myself away from the past. Memories which are usually happy to me, has in fact started to depress me a lot. I can never go back to those great childhood memories, which makes me sad. I loved those carefree days when I ran around in the mountains with my best friend, Helena. I miss my times with Isak and Georg when we watched horror movies, and Isak got really scared.

I simply enough miss those times so much it hurts. Literally.

As most others, I have a facebook. I keep my track on how my old friends are doing, Helena included. We don't have any contact any longer, but that's OK. As long as she has a good life, I'm happy for her.

At least I thought so.

I'm not. If I have to be completely honest with myself, I'm not happy with it. I'm actually jealous, it seems like she doesn't care about old times any longer. And I guess that's good and all, it's not healthy to be stuck in the past like this, but somehow... Somehow it just hurts to see I'm the only one who wish to escape to them old times. We would climb in the mountain, go on picnics, climb around in the house her father was building, ride our bicycles... We did so many fun things together and I truly miss it.

But that's not the only thing I have been thinking about. I have been thinking a lot about my father as well. As most people know, I have a father's complex. I hate the man like death itself. No wait, I would prefer death. He left mom and me when I was just an infant, or actually he was a douchebag, so mom kicked him out. Yeah, that's right. However, I'm not a mama's girl. I want to have a father whom I can talk with, a father who would joke around with me. Of course, I don't have that anymore. Mom had a boyfriend from when I was 5-12 years old. Honestly, I still consider him a father, though I've never met him. He cared for me, wanted to hang out with me and he wanted the best for us. (he had some troubles getting to Norway. I wont get in details about that).

Mom dumped him for a 65-year old dude whom I HATE.

Anyway, I'm sidetracking. My father has a new woman now, and they have 4 kids together. Today I was visiting them, as my little sisters wanted to hang out with me. Now, they're adorable and I love them, though... I can't help but to feel slightly angry at them and my two brothers. They have my dad and he actually care for them, he's there for them, he is the father I've always wanted toward them. Why should they get that, but I don't? He jokes with them, takes them out... While me? Heh, he can maybe bother to ask me out for pizza 2 times a year. It just hurts a lot, you know? 

While we were eating, my sisters was talking with me about how much they loved dad. I felt sick talking about the man, plus he was sitting at the same table as me. It took a lot to endure that. Then the oldest sister of mine (she's 9 years old I believe) asked me; "do you love dad?"

Now how should I answer that? I couldn't tell her how deep my hatred for the man was. I was at the verge of crying, the question really, really hurt. I wanted to say yes, as I want a father whom I can love, yet my dad is the man I hate the most in the world. Half-choked I had to smile my usual fake smile and reply with a weak; "Yes, o-of course I do."

I felt like crying. A lot.

I just feel weak for letting these things bother me. I feel weak because I'm constantly in this depressed state, so I can never be of help to my friends. Like here the other day, my girlfriend was feeling down and needed someone to talk to. I wanted to help her so much, but I didn't know what to say. I felt useless.

I am useless.

- Ai