One of those days.

I'm having one of those days where there is nothing to do, and I feel... drained in a way. It feels like I have no emotions at all, and to be honest it scares me slightly. I've felt like this for years, having no emotions and such, but the last few months I seemed to be free of it.

I guess I wasn't.

I honestly don't know what to do about it, but then again; it is something I am quite used to. It doesn't matter, it's just me after all.

Strange part is; it's not like I'm in a deep, depressing thinking mode or anything. I just feel empty, maybe some far-away sense of anger is deep within my gut as well and I don't even know why.
Also, two friends are coming over today. They're on the bus right now, but I am starting to feel regret for having invited them. Not because I don't want to hang out with them, I do! I love them like my sisters, but I feel like I will harm one of them. I'm scared I will say something to hurt her, like I often do without thinking, and I find myself scared of being judged again.

Some days I just... I just feel like I don't want to be near other people. Today is a day like so, I wanna bury myself in my pillows and duvet, hiding away from humanity and just force myself to cry it all out.
I haven't had too well contact with these friends of mine lately, as it's been slowing down... I don't know what to talk about, what to do at all.

I wanna fall asleep and just.. never wake up again at the moment. At least not for a while.

- Ai

Seriously.

Stuck in the loop where I feel like I'm a bother to everyone again. Whenever I open my mouth, it feels like my words are poison and that I say hurtful things to people.

Also, I read in the blog of a friend of mine that she was leaving for a place with a friend of her, 'cause she had "real friends" there. I don't know why, but that sentence hurt a lot. I really try to be a good friend to her, considering there's a lot of people who has the wrong idea of her. But somehow she's making it tougher for me to keep up my nice behavior... So I'm not a real friend? She's been venting to me a few times before of how I let her down and how I ignore her. Well, I live far away. I can't come running all the time, plus I have my own problems to deal with. No matter how much I wish I could run to everyone when they're all feeling down, I can't physically nor mentally do that.

I am seriously growing tired of all this shit. Thinking about all of this wears me out, and it depresses me deeply. I know I can't help my friends who need it, I really do. I just wish that if people had issues with me in any way, they would actually man up and say so straight to me. I can't fix my flaws if no one tells me what I'm doing wrong.

It's so frustrating, seriously.

But that's it for now.

- Ai.