Disappear.

I don't know what to do.
Nothing ever seems the same anymore, I don't know how to behave or how I can change. Somehow, due to my lazy, fucked up mind, I've managed to ruin so much of my life. Waste so much of my time.

Why did I quit school? Why did I agree on moving to England though I wasn't ready? Why can't I get out of my god damn head and just go out there and do something with my life?

Why can't I just go home?

It's really late, it might just be my head being screwed on too loosely, but right now I feel like fucking shit. I'm a mess, I can't think straight. There's so much I want to do, like get a job, earn some money, go to school and learn about things I enjoy doing. But I'm too scared, I can't do it. I can't handle it.

I really, really can't handle it. Not now. Probably not ever. And I know, I really do, that I just have to jump. I just have to do it, there's no other way. Nothing good will happen if I just wait for it, no, I have to work for it and I know that so fucking well, but... I just can't do it.

It's pathetic, it's lame and sad and every other negative description you can gather. I have no motivation. What's the point? Even if I do get a job, even if I go to school and get an education, what good will it do? I'd feel better? No. I probably wouldn't. What I do doesn't matter.

I don't matter. I never have, never will. The truth doesn't hurt as much as it did before. It's not a lie. I really don't matter. Not to the world, not to anyone. So what if I was to disappear? So what if I become an even bigger loser?

No one would care. They'd all get over it.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot. Thinking about very bad things, things I thought I had long since put away. I thought I was done feeling like this, as if I wish I could just disappear from everything and everyone.

The thoughts are still there.
I wish I was gone.
I wish I could somehow just get rid of this feeling and never have to feel it again.
I wish I knew why I felt like this.
I wish I could be stronger so these thoughts would go away.

What's the point. I don't matter. I'm not important to my family - if anything, I'm just in the way. I'm not important to my friends, after all what good am I to them? I'm just here, doing nothing.

I'm not important to the world. To anyone. I'm not significant. I'm nothing special.
So what does it matter what happens to me.

I wish I could just disappear.

ughh.

I just want to go home to Bergen, especially now. Though I don't want it to, it just... feels terribly lonly to see everyone gathered and having a good time while I'm here, alone an miserable.

Moodwings, go away. Please.

Ahh. Why did I come here, why did I move. I wish I could go home again.