Weak.

Sometimes I wish I could just bury myself deep underground with the few things I love and just never come back up. Which annoys me. When did I become this weak, selfish, spoiled, fucked up little asshole? I just... Sometimes I've had enough too. I have limits of how much I can take, how many emotions I can take off of others shoulders.

Who's gonna help take mine?

That's stupid. I don't need anyone's help, I can handle everything myself. It's just emotions, nothing more.
At least that's what I usually think, but...

Today was such a good day too, why did I have to turn out this way. Fucking stupid.

Everything is fucking stupid, I'm fucking stupid and not to mention a god damn mess. I've just had enough, really. Don't think I can take a whole lot more of this.

Am I

really that little reliable? It feels like people are having a tough time all around me, but there's never anything I can do to help. It's so frustrating. And it's even worse when friends are horrible at lying (plus I totally can feel the atmosphere of the conversation) and they act strange, maybe they've shown signs of being depressed for along time, and you ask if they're okay. All you get in reply is "yeah I'm fine haha" or something like that.

Uhm, I now you're not. So why lie? I wouldn't have minded if the person said "no, but I don't want to talk about it" or "let's talk about something else hehe". But lying is really the worst thing I know, no matter the reason for it...

*internally screaming*

Fuck parents.

Can't wait to get out of here, oh my fucking goddamn god!

Uhh

Having one of those moments where I feel really empty and just need a hug.

Ugh I hate these small moments.

Fuck.

Sometimes parents are just literally fucked up in the head.

Like when they start shouting at you and get all angry because you made one joke; "Pff no you wont get my new phone number lol, but log on facebook and we'll see lolol".
I am seriously NOT in the mood for shitty attitudes at the moment. I slept about 30 minutes last night, and all I've gotten smashed in my face is either snotty remarks about how terrible I am, how retarded I am or just what I do wrong, or I get completely ignored.

Family is overrated at times. Fuck this shit.

Ahh.

Been a while since I updated any of my blogs, and I just felt like filling this blog with another post.

I have to say I feel better at times now, I still miss home, but I've pretty much accepted I wont live in Norway again in a long time. So that's pretty much out of the system.
Mood swings on the other hand, is something I've been more bothered with now. I don't know why, but for example; I've got a job, more or less, now. Mom and I don't argue as much, and I am being spoiled rotten at times (got tons of Pokemon stuff today). Yet, right now when I am writing this, I have this bump stuck deep in chest. As if I'm really unhappy and I don't know why.

Over thinking might be one reason. I've been thining a lot lately about stuff, well, pretty much anything. All the good stuff that's happened lately, and negative thoughts.
I've been making friends with some of my art idols, especially one of them, and that's making me very happy. We joke about things, we laugh a lot and I personally feel like she's someone I can talk with if I'm having a tough day. I've also gotten to know one of her friends a little, a girl who lives in England. So things are going good.

Yet there are times like now, where I feel like I am being a bother. Like I'm not supposed to talk to them when I do, or that when I do, I only say something incredible stupid or something which is not interesting at all. It's not like I have a reason to, I just get that feeling at times. It kinda sucks being stuck in this trail of thought.

The main thing which has gotten me quite down, however, is absolutely not because of Fia or Jess! Heck, they cheer me up without even knowing. <3
No, I've been thinking alot about my relationship with my girlfriend. It's like, we barely talk anymore and when we first do, it's a very short conversation about stuff I have no interest in. It's like we don't have common interests anymore, at least not many of them, and... Well, I don't know. We don't say any of the usual stuff like "love you" or anything, we don't seem like a couple at all.
I talked with mom about it a little and told her "it's not like anything particular has changed since we became a couple, we're the same dorks as ever" and she replied with "well, then what's the point of being a couple, if nothing has changed?" and it made me think.

I really, really love her with all I've got, but sometimes it doesn't feel like the feeling is mutual and it frightens me. A lot. And I don't even know who I can talk with about this without seeming nagging, stupid or what nots. I just don't know what to do about it, I never seem to get a timing to talk with Xei about it either..
I guess that's the main reason for my mood swings and I'm really at a loss of what to do.

Oh well, it doesn't matter I guess.

So..

Finally got it confimed mom thinks something is the matter with me.

Convo starts with "hey, I bought gum for you", then evolves to "you're lazy" and then ends with "you're retarded". Thanks mom, you're really cheerful.

Anyway, I'm sorry for bawing on this blog, thinking of deleting it, it just makes me look like an attention whore. xD

I don't know.

So as usual I have gotten stuck in my cycle of thinking again. It's not like I want to, but after I moved to England I've had so much time to actually think things through. I have to say I'm not proud of my choice. I thought I would be, I really did. I thought this would be the best thing ever happening to me, that things would be different. I thought I would get to do things I wanted to, I would be more secure in myself as no one knew me and what I've done in the past. I was sure I could change.

Heh, who am I kidding. Worthless hope and dreams is what that is. I'm not proud, I'm too scared to do what I love and I'm nowhere close to change.
"Oh, but it's not so difficult! You just have to be yourself," is what mom usually tells me, though if I say the same to her at another point I get hit in the face by "it's not that easy! What could you possibly understand, you're just a kid."

Well, who is the one not understanding? I would change faster than lightning if I could. I want to be more outgoing, I want to be able to make people I care for happy. I want to be proud in my choices and proud of my art, ect. But it's not happening. If things only was that easy.

To be honest, when people tell me "you only have to be yourself", the first thing I think of is "but who is that? Who am I?" I don't know. I know my given name, I know my nickname and I know my unrealistic dreams. But just exactly who am I? You know, for a moment I was believing I was sorting that out, but then I just... I don't know.

What really drags me down is my mom. I suppose she's the main source of my issues this time, I feel like I can't talk with her. Up through the years I've experienced she lies a lot to me (my grandmother usually tells me stuff without mom knowing). There was even a period where I was shoplifting a lot, and mom literally tried to beat me up. A few days later I told grandma what happened, more or less. Not the fighting part, but what ever. I got to know how mom had actually done the same as a youth, but also tossed the blame at a friend! And I got beat for it? I'm not saying what I did was right, I do regret my past actions, but seriously? How fair is that exactly? To try and strangle your 13/14 year old daughter because she stole a chocolate?

She hasn't changed, though we don't fight. But she lies to me, puts the blame on me for things and she keeps making very hurtful jokes straight in my face. I don't find them funny, but apparently she finds it hillarious when I don't laugh, so she keep doing it. She even talks shit about me when she thinks I'm asleep. I mean, hello! I can hear her! At times she talk shit about how I have a girlfriend instead of some macho dude as well. What's the problem? Can't I love the ones I want to without her being an ass?

So basically, missing home + an ass for a mom = breakdowns here and there. I really miss home, there's no question about it, so this makes me extremely emotional at times. I'm not afraid to admit I've had a few breakdowns since I moved, where I bawl my eyes out in my room where no one can see it.
I hate it when people know I'm sad, though, so at times I believe "if I put a fake smile on, maybe I'll eventually trick myself to think I'm happy"

That is not the case. Really not. I can't wait til I can go home for Raptus, I swear I'm going to cry my soul out when I have to leave. I don't really want to live here anymore, but I can't tell mom. All I can do is keep smiling as if it's nothing.

Dunno how long I can keep that up, though.

One of those days.

I'm having one of those days where there is nothing to do, and I feel... drained in a way. It feels like I have no emotions at all, and to be honest it scares me slightly. I've felt like this for years, having no emotions and such, but the last few months I seemed to be free of it.

I guess I wasn't.

I honestly don't know what to do about it, but then again; it is something I am quite used to. It doesn't matter, it's just me after all.

Strange part is; it's not like I'm in a deep, depressing thinking mode or anything. I just feel empty, maybe some far-away sense of anger is deep within my gut as well and I don't even know why.
Also, two friends are coming over today. They're on the bus right now, but I am starting to feel regret for having invited them. Not because I don't want to hang out with them, I do! I love them like my sisters, but I feel like I will harm one of them. I'm scared I will say something to hurt her, like I often do without thinking, and I find myself scared of being judged again.

Some days I just... I just feel like I don't want to be near other people. Today is a day like so, I wanna bury myself in my pillows and duvet, hiding away from humanity and just force myself to cry it all out.
I haven't had too well contact with these friends of mine lately, as it's been slowing down... I don't know what to talk about, what to do at all.

I wanna fall asleep and just.. never wake up again at the moment. At least not for a while.

- Ai

Seriously.

Stuck in the loop where I feel like I'm a bother to everyone again. Whenever I open my mouth, it feels like my words are poison and that I say hurtful things to people.

Also, I read in the blog of a friend of mine that she was leaving for a place with a friend of her, 'cause she had "real friends" there. I don't know why, but that sentence hurt a lot. I really try to be a good friend to her, considering there's a lot of people who has the wrong idea of her. But somehow she's making it tougher for me to keep up my nice behavior... So I'm not a real friend? She's been venting to me a few times before of how I let her down and how I ignore her. Well, I live far away. I can't come running all the time, plus I have my own problems to deal with. No matter how much I wish I could run to everyone when they're all feeling down, I can't physically nor mentally do that.

I am seriously growing tired of all this shit. Thinking about all of this wears me out, and it depresses me deeply. I know I can't help my friends who need it, I really do. I just wish that if people had issues with me in any way, they would actually man up and say so straight to me. I can't fix my flaws if no one tells me what I'm doing wrong.

It's so frustrating, seriously.

But that's it for now.

- Ai.

And so the mind was drifting away.

Idk with the title. Just felt like writing that.

I'm stuck in the thinking corner once again and my thoughts aren't good. I feel like an attention whore, really. The one thing I don't want to be as well.

I dunno. I just don't feel appreciated no matter what I do. But it doesn't matter, I'm used to the feeling.
It just feels like I always try my hardest to be there for people, but with no use. I don't even get a single "thank you" in return. Is that really too much to ask for?

Oh well.

- Ai

The first post.

Before I start my bawing, I want people who accidentally find this, to know that I made this blog for one purpose only; I need a place to get out my frustration. If I have something which bothers me, or if I feel depressed, I'll use this blog as an outlet of my inner feelings. Or whatever, you get the point.

Anyway, the past few days have been tough on the emotional front. Though I seem happy and all, I have been engulfed in deep thoughts. As usual, I can't get myself away from the past. Memories which are usually happy to me, has in fact started to depress me a lot. I can never go back to those great childhood memories, which makes me sad. I loved those carefree days when I ran around in the mountains with my best friend, Helena. I miss my times with Isak and Georg when we watched horror movies, and Isak got really scared.

I simply enough miss those times so much it hurts. Literally.

As most others, I have a facebook. I keep my track on how my old friends are doing, Helena included. We don't have any contact any longer, but that's OK. As long as she has a good life, I'm happy for her.

At least I thought so.

I'm not. If I have to be completely honest with myself, I'm not happy with it. I'm actually jealous, it seems like she doesn't care about old times any longer. And I guess that's good and all, it's not healthy to be stuck in the past like this, but somehow... Somehow it just hurts to see I'm the only one who wish to escape to them old times. We would climb in the mountain, go on picnics, climb around in the house her father was building, ride our bicycles... We did so many fun things together and I truly miss it.

But that's not the only thing I have been thinking about. I have been thinking a lot about my father as well. As most people know, I have a father's complex. I hate the man like death itself. No wait, I would prefer death. He left mom and me when I was just an infant, or actually he was a douchebag, so mom kicked him out. Yeah, that's right. However, I'm not a mama's girl. I want to have a father whom I can talk with, a father who would joke around with me. Of course, I don't have that anymore. Mom had a boyfriend from when I was 5-12 years old. Honestly, I still consider him a father, though I've never met him. He cared for me, wanted to hang out with me and he wanted the best for us. (he had some troubles getting to Norway. I wont get in details about that).

Mom dumped him for a 65-year old dude whom I HATE.

Anyway, I'm sidetracking. My father has a new woman now, and they have 4 kids together. Today I was visiting them, as my little sisters wanted to hang out with me. Now, they're adorable and I love them, though... I can't help but to feel slightly angry at them and my two brothers. They have my dad and he actually care for them, he's there for them, he is the father I've always wanted toward them. Why should they get that, but I don't? He jokes with them, takes them out... While me? Heh, he can maybe bother to ask me out for pizza 2 times a year. It just hurts a lot, you know? 

While we were eating, my sisters was talking with me about how much they loved dad. I felt sick talking about the man, plus he was sitting at the same table as me. It took a lot to endure that. Then the oldest sister of mine (she's 9 years old I believe) asked me; "do you love dad?"

Now how should I answer that? I couldn't tell her how deep my hatred for the man was. I was at the verge of crying, the question really, really hurt. I wanted to say yes, as I want a father whom I can love, yet my dad is the man I hate the most in the world. Half-choked I had to smile my usual fake smile and reply with a weak; "Yes, o-of course I do."

I felt like crying. A lot.

I just feel weak for letting these things bother me. I feel weak because I'm constantly in this depressed state, so I can never be of help to my friends. Like here the other day, my girlfriend was feeling down and needed someone to talk to. I wanted to help her so much, but I didn't know what to say. I felt useless.

I am useless.

- Ai