I don't know.

So as usual I have gotten stuck in my cycle of thinking again. It's not like I want to, but after I moved to England I've had so much time to actually think things through. I have to say I'm not proud of my choice. I thought I would be, I really did. I thought this would be the best thing ever happening to me, that things would be different. I thought I would get to do things I wanted to, I would be more secure in myself as no one knew me and what I've done in the past. I was sure I could change.

Heh, who am I kidding. Worthless hope and dreams is what that is. I'm not proud, I'm too scared to do what I love and I'm nowhere close to change.
"Oh, but it's not so difficult! You just have to be yourself," is what mom usually tells me, though if I say the same to her at another point I get hit in the face by "it's not that easy! What could you possibly understand, you're just a kid."

Well, who is the one not understanding? I would change faster than lightning if I could. I want to be more outgoing, I want to be able to make people I care for happy. I want to be proud in my choices and proud of my art, ect. But it's not happening. If things only was that easy.

To be honest, when people tell me "you only have to be yourself", the first thing I think of is "but who is that? Who am I?" I don't know. I know my given name, I know my nickname and I know my unrealistic dreams. But just exactly who am I? You know, for a moment I was believing I was sorting that out, but then I just... I don't know.

What really drags me down is my mom. I suppose she's the main source of my issues this time, I feel like I can't talk with her. Up through the years I've experienced she lies a lot to me (my grandmother usually tells me stuff without mom knowing). There was even a period where I was shoplifting a lot, and mom literally tried to beat me up. A few days later I told grandma what happened, more or less. Not the fighting part, but what ever. I got to know how mom had actually done the same as a youth, but also tossed the blame at a friend! And I got beat for it? I'm not saying what I did was right, I do regret my past actions, but seriously? How fair is that exactly? To try and strangle your 13/14 year old daughter because she stole a chocolate?

She hasn't changed, though we don't fight. But she lies to me, puts the blame on me for things and she keeps making very hurtful jokes straight in my face. I don't find them funny, but apparently she finds it hillarious when I don't laugh, so she keep doing it. She even talks shit about me when she thinks I'm asleep. I mean, hello! I can hear her! At times she talk shit about how I have a girlfriend instead of some macho dude as well. What's the problem? Can't I love the ones I want to without her being an ass?

So basically, missing home + an ass for a mom = breakdowns here and there. I really miss home, there's no question about it, so this makes me extremely emotional at times. I'm not afraid to admit I've had a few breakdowns since I moved, where I bawl my eyes out in my room where no one can see it.
I hate it when people know I'm sad, though, so at times I believe "if I put a fake smile on, maybe I'll eventually trick myself to think I'm happy"

That is not the case. Really not. I can't wait til I can go home for Raptus, I swear I'm going to cry my soul out when I have to leave. I don't really want to live here anymore, but I can't tell mom. All I can do is keep smiling as if it's nothing.

Dunno how long I can keep that up, though.